One of the experiences that I think is particular to the LDA is the sudden change in the understanding of where one fits in the complex web of relationships that surrounds every person and also the relationship with each individual – relationships that outside the adoption world develop naturally over lifetimes, but inside the adoption world the development is temporally skewed. I feel a deep connection to my mother and brothers, but really we are still almost complete strangers. I want so much not to feel like that.
I feel like I’m just plunking myself down at the dinner table uninvited and expecting to be served. There’s not really even a place set for me. I’ve brought my own best dish for the pot luck but only my mother has taken a full serving of it. My brothers and grand-uncle have taken a taste and seem appreciative and wanting seconds. The rest of the family just eyes me warily. Some of them still don’t even know I’m sitting at the table, and others know but are not ready to nod my way. I see the dishes being passed around but none get handed to me. I’ve snatched a taste off of a few of them as they pass, but feel guilty and greedy for doing it. I know I should wait politely for an invitation to sit down, but I can’t seem to do that.