Slow Dancing

It has been two weeks since The Call. My mother and I have spoken roughly every other day in long, rambling, wonderful calls. We reveal ourselves to each other bit by bit, through asking and answering questions or just revealing some thing we want the other to know. There is so much to know, and there will always be more. I think the first question, the one that drove me to find her, was ‘Do you want to know me?’ with its implicit ‘I want to know you.’

I had read accounts of many reunions that describe deep commonality with one’s biological kin, so I wasn’t surprised per se when those pieces started falling into place. I even try to caution myself not to read too deeply into things. I like Frangelico. She likes Frangelico. Lots of people like Frangelico, after all. But it is with almost giddy delight that I observe the growing list of things. It’s not specifically Frangelico or an aversion to movie violence, or a love of reading, or sculpting in clay, or enjoying performing in theater, or doing graphic design. It’s the mass of those things that is remarkable and it just feels so good.

Each time we talk I feel a growing confidence in us both, a sense of permanence in our relationship. I still feel afraid that she will change her mind and decide it’s just too much or that she does not want to face any possible negativity if I am revealed. I have put the pacing of our reunion and any revelation of me to her family or friends entirely in her hands, and I think that is only fair. I have no risk at all – all the risk is on her side. But ceding that control invokes its own set of anxieties and I find myself hoping more than anything that she reveals me to someone – anyone – sooner than later because that would make it very difficult for her to just slip away. Honestly I am almost positive that won’t happen, but I can’t help worrying a little, too. Indeed, she told me that she is planning to reveal me to my brother this Christmas when she is visiting, and I am more joyful about that than it seems logical to be.

I realized that revealing me carries the statement ‘This is my daughter. This relationship is important to me. I want you to know her too.’ The statement implies pride and permanence. It is a definitive answer to the question ‘Do you want to know me?’ When I unpack my desires this way I feel amazed at my gall and egotism for expecting such a thing, after only two weeks – or two minutes even!! – of knowing one another. So I take a deep breath and remind myself to let things unfold and to enjoy the rosebud as much as the fully open bloom.


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