My adoptive family is huge. My adoptive parents came from families of 9 and 10 children, many of whom went on to have medium to large families themselves. I know of at least 44 first cousins and I am positive that I am missing some.
Growing up, I only had infrequent but regular contact with one set of cousins on my mother’s side, and less frequent contact with other sets on my mother’s side that could be explained by age difference and distance. And very, very rare contact with most of the cousins on my father’s side. I learned in the heady days of early discovery that that was intentional. That, in order to be sure none of the younger generation would spill the beans that my brother and I were adopted, we were simply not allowed to be with them except for rare occasions. The silence of the older generation was assumed, and we regularly saw aunts and uncles from both sides, without their children. And when there was an occasion where we were to be with our cousins, they were told in no uncertain terms that they were never to reveal the fact to us, on Pain of Death.
The adult child of one of my paternal cousins was in a terrible accident. I participate in the family forum and with my cousin directly out of genuine concern for them, but for some reason this event has made me feel so sad and empty. I know how close those cousins are with each other, how they stayed with each other and played with each other and have a lifetime of memories linking them together. I don’t have any of that. I feel like I am floating outside of everything, in my lonely little bubble that can never be populated with that lifetime of memories – either from my adoptive family, or from my biological family who, at best, I have known for only the past 10 years. And everyone from the house I grew up in has died, so I am without a single lifetime relationship of any depth.
I can only assume that my adoptive parents never thought about how that might affect me as an adult person, to have been intentionally deprived of those relationships simply to keep their secret hidden.