Dear World,
Hi, it’s me again. Remember when I wrote about the likelihood of DNA testing outing a secret you were keeping, so it would be far better for everybody if you spilled the beans rather than having some random genetic relative accidentally out it for you? I hope you’ve done that, if you are the one keeping a secret. But now I want to talk to the rest of you – those that are not keeping a secret.
It may be that someone you are related to has been keeping a secret. If someone contacts you because you are linked genetically, please try to be kind. Even if you are shocked. Even if you are angry. Even if you are suspicious. Even if you find the whole thing boring or unimportant. DNA testing can reveal LDAs or NPEs (Non-Parental Event, where a person discovers that one parent -often the father- is not the one that raised them). People that have had a shocking discovery via DNA are often in a state of pain and distress and are frantically trying to sort out their new reality. They are often grappling with an essential betrayal of trust. Please do not add coldness or harshness to their grief. If they have reached out to you, it is because you can help them. You might have information they desperately need. Something that may seem inconsequential to you might be devastatingly important to them.
You might feel shocked and betrayed in turn. Maybe you don’t want to know you have a half-sibling. Or an unexpected aunt or nephew or cousin. It’s legitimate for you to have strong feelings about it but try not to take it out on the person. It’s far better to work with them and help them sort out reality – because it’s your reality too, after all.
It is your choice whether to try to help them or not. I hope you choose to help if you can, but whatever you choose, please at least respond, with as much kindness as you can muster. You can make the world a better place.
Love,
Me
Addendum:
These essays are written from my own LDA perspective, but it occurred to me that since getting skilled at unraveling DNA puzzles I have helped a number of ‘normal’ adoptees – those who have always known – to find their biological families through DNA. DNA testing is still relatively new, and many adoptees wait to utilize it for one reason or another. I can’t speak for those adoptees’ experiences but I am confident that my plea for kindness goes just as much for them too. Once they embark on that path, they are looking for answers. Please help if you can.